Discover one Asian caregiver's reflection on cultural identity, from corporate success to family caregiving, while examining what it means to be "Asian enough."
Victoria, thank you so much for inviting me to be a part of this beautiful roundup of Asian writers! You and our fellow writers are helping me to heal and find belonging. Grateful to have found you sister 🩷
Thanks for being you and sharing your thoughts, Steph. As you share on your website, 'We must dare to show up and let ourselves be seen.' We're all sisters lifting and supporting each other. xo
What a wonderful collection here. I like that there is a theme here to what we all Asians experience collectively and beyond. Thanks for including me :)
Thanks, Rachel. I appreciated your insights and perspective and saved the article waaaay back in May ;-) I hope readers will also explore the rich comments underneath the article.
Victoria, you did a beautiful job on this article. I have enjoyed our interactions since the first day I met you on Substack.
I recognized immediately you have the heart of compassion and love for your family and I love your publication here with a focus on caregiving. I agree with you we need empathy and openness to avoid assumptions.
I remember mentioning a phrase someone else had recently written about, filial piety, and how this didn’t resonate with you. Of course that’s okay. Just as every word or phrase has connotations for those who hear it, for some this phrase might imply duty to family. From my own observations this duty was often embodied love, just given encouragement to live out this love in practical ways.
I enjoyed that thread you referenced. I felt a lot of joy seeing many Asian writers connect with one another and talk about their backgrounds and experiences. When Tiffany said she was starting this opportunity for the work of Asian writers to be highlighted, I felt thrilled. Hearing the voices and stories of many of you is a great joy.
Of course, I am not of Asian descent, so it’s only my years of working cross culturally which give me the connection I have. But I have a deep love for my Asian friends and former students at Jiangxi Medical College and then in Oregon.
Thank you for taking the time to share these kind words and thoughts, dear Susan.
I was pleased to have the opportunity to highlight the discussion thread you initiated. It connected me to others and started a rich conversation. I appreciate your experiences and empathy for others, Susan. You have a big, generous heart. And a very cute dog, JiaYou 🐾
You make a good point that some may see duty as an embodiment of the love they feel.
Unfortunately, I have several hangups around the words 'duty’ and ‘should’, anchored around a few fraught interactions.
You can imagine that being told what I ‘must do’ or how I ‘should’ behave towards someone are not commands/expectations I responded to very well!
However, these complex events enabled me to clarify my motivations and intentions, strengthen my sense of priorities and why I do what I do….to myself.
I feel blessed that I've had to get more precise and more transparent about my values because now I can clearly articulate them to others. It gives me a stronger sense of ownership and belonging to myself, if that makes sense.
Navigating this path can be difficult, which is why I empathise so much with those of multicultural backgrounds, ethnicities, and caregivers.
I understand, and felt bad those words seemed laden with less pleasant connotations for you. I know that any time cultural expectations are couched in “shoulds” they often lose their luster. I have watched and walked alongside Asian friends who have grappled with similar things, and found their way.
I also chafe at the idea of expectations and duty defining any of my actions and those words certainly don’t describe the love I have for my own living parents, so I certainly understand a visceral response.
I remember so many conversations with my students and friends from Asian backgrounds. It’s funny but I often relate easily to them and the way they view things.
One thing I have thought about is the collective response to suffering in China and other Asian countries. My own family here went through some trauma, too, over generations, and I have often thought about how our shared humanity connects us. This shared humanity includes both sorrows and pain, but also just as importantly joys and triumphs. Love transcends culture.
I really appreciate you, Victoria. I will always remember our initial interaction. I felt seen and understood. Living with multiple sclerosis has made being a caregiver and care receiver quite a lesson in humility, love and grace. Your compassion and insights are very much appreciated.
I loved how people opened up on that thread 🧵 you referenced. Sometimes I feel like an honorary Asian, though I am only tied through bonds of love.
Thank you Susan! Exactly. I knew you'd read my response as intended.
I shall save this "Living with multiple sclerosis has made being a caregiver and care receiver quite a lesson in humility, love and grace." This will become more common—caregivers with their own chronic illnesses.
Having Covid and pneumonia at the same time as caring for my mother in hospital and afterwards was a glimpse into this 'griddled' pressure.
@Victoria, this is an excellent curation of stories by Asian-Americans with such diverse backgrounds and sense of identity, that it really opened my eyes. I remember reading @Lani V. Cox and @Steph Wright's essays. They were both educational and inspiring for me. I'm so glad you've included them and other essays I now will check out to expand my perspectives of what it means to be a hyphenated Asian and a caregiver at the same time. Above all, I appreciate your sharing of how you feel about your own identity, your Asianness/Banananess, providing insights to someone (me) who has always wondered what it's like to be a "Banana." I also appreciate your vulnerable share of how becoming a caregiver has felt like a stripping away of your personal identity and rights in the face of a faceless health(sick)-care system.
Thanks, Lily. I appreciate your feedback and your article that gave me a much better understanding of 'filial piety' . ohhhh I that last sentence hits the nail - we're veiled as caregivers, like the green people CGI'd out of the picture so that it looks like the health services are working....
The "green people CGI'd out of the picture"!!! What an apt imagery (and quite a humorous one at that)! I really do get it! I'm so angry at the "system" on your behalf, and on behalf of all caregivers who are toiling away silently in the "background," made invisible by that system, shouting silent frustrations into the void!
Thanks, Victoria for including me in this wonderful group of Asian writers. I'm pleased with myself to know, read, and follow just about everyone here. *pats self on back* ⭐ What a community!
I was away and wanted to take my time to read everything here. Thank you Victoria for including my thoughts in this discussion. I really appreciate you following through on that, in spite of many challenges in your work. Thanks also to Tiffany for creating this space for us to share. I will be sharing this on my stack as well. Feeling very blessed to see this collaboration happen. Thanks again!
Hi Victoria, Awww, thank you so much for the mention! I'm so glad that my post helped you realize the incredibly valuable, unpaid work so many of us women provide! I hope you're able to get some really good self care in, as a way of sustaining yourself through the hard work of caregiving.
Victoria, you are way too kind for mentioning me at the beginning of your features. Thank you for the kind words and continuing the conversation! The articles you selected look amazing to read and will be accompanying me on my flight to Korea next week :) Cheers my friend!
Victoria, thank you so much for inviting me to be a part of this beautiful roundup of Asian writers! You and our fellow writers are helping me to heal and find belonging. Grateful to have found you sister 🩷
Thanks for being you and sharing your thoughts, Steph. As you share on your website, 'We must dare to show up and let ourselves be seen.' We're all sisters lifting and supporting each other. xo
What a wonderful collection here. I like that there is a theme here to what we all Asians experience collectively and beyond. Thanks for including me :)
Thanks, Rachel. I appreciated your insights and perspective and saved the article waaaay back in May ;-) I hope readers will also explore the rich comments underneath the article.
Victoria, you did a beautiful job on this article. I have enjoyed our interactions since the first day I met you on Substack.
I recognized immediately you have the heart of compassion and love for your family and I love your publication here with a focus on caregiving. I agree with you we need empathy and openness to avoid assumptions.
I remember mentioning a phrase someone else had recently written about, filial piety, and how this didn’t resonate with you. Of course that’s okay. Just as every word or phrase has connotations for those who hear it, for some this phrase might imply duty to family. From my own observations this duty was often embodied love, just given encouragement to live out this love in practical ways.
I enjoyed that thread you referenced. I felt a lot of joy seeing many Asian writers connect with one another and talk about their backgrounds and experiences. When Tiffany said she was starting this opportunity for the work of Asian writers to be highlighted, I felt thrilled. Hearing the voices and stories of many of you is a great joy.
Of course, I am not of Asian descent, so it’s only my years of working cross culturally which give me the connection I have. But I have a deep love for my Asian friends and former students at Jiangxi Medical College and then in Oregon.
Thank you for taking the time to share these kind words and thoughts, dear Susan.
I was pleased to have the opportunity to highlight the discussion thread you initiated. It connected me to others and started a rich conversation. I appreciate your experiences and empathy for others, Susan. You have a big, generous heart. And a very cute dog, JiaYou 🐾
You make a good point that some may see duty as an embodiment of the love they feel.
Unfortunately, I have several hangups around the words 'duty’ and ‘should’, anchored around a few fraught interactions.
You can imagine that being told what I ‘must do’ or how I ‘should’ behave towards someone are not commands/expectations I responded to very well!
However, these complex events enabled me to clarify my motivations and intentions, strengthen my sense of priorities and why I do what I do….to myself.
I feel blessed that I've had to get more precise and more transparent about my values because now I can clearly articulate them to others. It gives me a stronger sense of ownership and belonging to myself, if that makes sense.
Navigating this path can be difficult, which is why I empathise so much with those of multicultural backgrounds, ethnicities, and caregivers.
I understand, and felt bad those words seemed laden with less pleasant connotations for you. I know that any time cultural expectations are couched in “shoulds” they often lose their luster. I have watched and walked alongside Asian friends who have grappled with similar things, and found their way.
I also chafe at the idea of expectations and duty defining any of my actions and those words certainly don’t describe the love I have for my own living parents, so I certainly understand a visceral response.
I remember so many conversations with my students and friends from Asian backgrounds. It’s funny but I often relate easily to them and the way they view things.
One thing I have thought about is the collective response to suffering in China and other Asian countries. My own family here went through some trauma, too, over generations, and I have often thought about how our shared humanity connects us. This shared humanity includes both sorrows and pain, but also just as importantly joys and triumphs. Love transcends culture.
I really appreciate you, Victoria. I will always remember our initial interaction. I felt seen and understood. Living with multiple sclerosis has made being a caregiver and care receiver quite a lesson in humility, love and grace. Your compassion and insights are very much appreciated.
I loved how people opened up on that thread 🧵 you referenced. Sometimes I feel like an honorary Asian, though I am only tied through bonds of love.
Thank you Susan! Exactly. I knew you'd read my response as intended.
I shall save this "Living with multiple sclerosis has made being a caregiver and care receiver quite a lesson in humility, love and grace." This will become more common—caregivers with their own chronic illnesses.
Having Covid and pneumonia at the same time as caring for my mother in hospital and afterwards was a glimpse into this 'griddled' pressure.
Take care.xo
I remember praying for you as you were caring for your mother while being sick with covid. Well said—griddled pressure.
Thank you Susan, yes I remember and was-am very grateful for your prayers and support xo
There are various versions of 'sandwiched' as a caregiver!
So true!
This is very thoughtfully curated and definitely addresses the goal of surfacing writings through the lens of women caregivers. Thank you for sharing!
Thanks, Sam. I appreciate your feedback.
@Victoria, this is an excellent curation of stories by Asian-Americans with such diverse backgrounds and sense of identity, that it really opened my eyes. I remember reading @Lani V. Cox and @Steph Wright's essays. They were both educational and inspiring for me. I'm so glad you've included them and other essays I now will check out to expand my perspectives of what it means to be a hyphenated Asian and a caregiver at the same time. Above all, I appreciate your sharing of how you feel about your own identity, your Asianness/Banananess, providing insights to someone (me) who has always wondered what it's like to be a "Banana." I also appreciate your vulnerable share of how becoming a caregiver has felt like a stripping away of your personal identity and rights in the face of a faceless health(sick)-care system.
Thanks, Lily. I appreciate your feedback and your article that gave me a much better understanding of 'filial piety' . ohhhh I that last sentence hits the nail - we're veiled as caregivers, like the green people CGI'd out of the picture so that it looks like the health services are working....
The "green people CGI'd out of the picture"!!! What an apt imagery (and quite a humorous one at that)! I really do get it! I'm so angry at the "system" on your behalf, and on behalf of all caregivers who are toiling away silently in the "background," made invisible by that system, shouting silent frustrations into the void!
"CGI'd out"! So accurate.
Thanks, Victoria for including me in this wonderful group of Asian writers. I'm pleased with myself to know, read, and follow just about everyone here. *pats self on back* ⭐ What a community!
Thanks, Lani - I agree! I’ve shared your article beyond Substack to some friends who also resonated with it.
❤️❤️
I was away and wanted to take my time to read everything here. Thank you Victoria for including my thoughts in this discussion. I really appreciate you following through on that, in spite of many challenges in your work. Thanks also to Tiffany for creating this space for us to share. I will be sharing this on my stack as well. Feeling very blessed to see this collaboration happen. Thanks again!
Thanks, Michelle. I appreciated Susan's discussion thread and our exchange. I continue to ponder and reflect on these threads. best wishes xo
Hi Victoria, Awww, thank you so much for the mention! I'm so glad that my post helped you realize the incredibly valuable, unpaid work so many of us women provide! I hope you're able to get some really good self care in, as a way of sustaining yourself through the hard work of caregiving.
Thanks, Alice - role modelling the value of caregiving to the next generation is SO important. thanks for your article.
Victoria, you are way too kind for mentioning me at the beginning of your features. Thank you for the kind words and continuing the conversation! The articles you selected look amazing to read and will be accompanying me on my flight to Korea next week :) Cheers my friend!
You’re very welcome! I appreciated how you opened the discussion about identity. Enjoy reading & safe flight!
Thanks! :D