Most Asian cultures are collectivistic. Our family systems, our neighbourhoods, and friendships often over look the more interpersonal relationships that stem from an individualistic connection with others.
As a result we can often form unspoken rules about emotional behaviour. Composure has a virtue. Especially when it comes to crying. How is it that for a people that function as one, the external formalities come at the cost of stifling the internal necessities like that of crying. How is it that most Asians, myself included, seem to need isolation when they are found crying?
Here’s How this Works:
Where does this discomfort in comforting those who cry,ANDfeeling discomfort when receiving care when we cry come from?
Give your thoughts on the question(s) mentioned above (p.s you don’t have to be Asian to participate!)
Interact with at least three other comments (prefer the comments that haven’t been engaged with yet)
The ‘Caring about Crying’ Articles by the Collaboration Team. (September 2024)
In the Chinese culture, I think it comes from first of all that crying should not be displayed in order to keep social peace; it has its roots in Confucianism. And since that is the accepted norm, we encounter very little crying except for big events like death, hence we never develop the skills to comfort or how to react to it socially, and so it became awkward.
A Quick Wiki Ref: 'Evidence of face saving has been seen in a labor strike by Chinese railroad worker in 1867 in the construction of the Transcontinental Railroad, where Chinese workers protested peacefully and negotiated for an outcome in a way that demonstrated face-saving behavior.[41]'
Growing up, I always cried in secret and to this day, very few people have seen me cry without restraint. I can only do it around people I trust will not feel overwhelmed or burdened by my true emotions.
I was taught to not burden others with my problems. I have rarely seen my parents or grandparents cry. Stoicism, resilience and remaining positive in all circumstances is highly valued in my family. Perhaps it comes down to my immigrant background and family history with war, poverty and trauma. The only way to survive was to deny or repress any negativity. Being born in Australia, I was always told that I had heaven on earth, and so even my hardest issues could never compare to what previous generations went through. Hearing this made me feel like I didn’t have the right to ever complain or cry.
In saying this, I am highly empathetic and don’t feel uncomfortable with others crying. I know how to sit with grief and I don’t feel the need to rush the healing process. I think being the eldest daughter of a Chinese family meant functioning as a third parent, and being trained to look out for the needs of others.
It's great that you don't feel uncomfortable with others crying! I initially have that but it's more because I really don't know what I should do in response. But now I know more so it became easier but it's still awkward. It might never go away... this shying away from crying ...
I think it has to do with PRIDE, VULNERABILITY, and not knowing what to do in the presence of others' "nakedness" while crying.
Growing up, I'd feel uncomfortable crying with my mom and sister even if we were watching a tearjerker scene in a romcom. Or a heartwarming family scene in a film like "Seven Sundays". Something about not wanting to admit that something affects you as much as it does? I'm not sure. And it didn't help that we'd tease each other for crying. Funnily enough, my mom is very "iyakin" (a crybaby) when it comes to media consumption, but has the highest pain tolerance in the family.
When our mom would cry because our (late) dad was verbally abusing her/us, we didn't comfort her - we fought with our dad to defend her. Out of all the fights they had, I can't remember rushing to comfort her. It was always to fight back.
Weirdly enough, the times I felt comforted by someone comforting me while crying were with my boyfriend, Paul. Maybe it was because we see each other as equals? (versus parent-child, older sibling-younger sibling) Maybe that's what makes that level of vulnerability and naked display of emotion okay, at least between us two.
Hey Regina, I fully relate to your point about being able to cry with a romantic partner because you see them more as an equal. My husband is the only person who has seen me cry without restraint!
I hear you Regina. There's the personal relationship with crying that we have to figure out and then, in addition the relationship with others, to connect.
Culture and societal status quos can make crying feel risky, like you said—they expose us to potential danger. So finding 'our people'—the ones we choose to feel vulnerable with, build trust with, and be our truest selves—can feel like a gift.
Crying these days is something foreign to me, like a special theoretical emotion that I could use in writing to express a kind of sentiment or intent. I did my fair share of crying as a kid, and my parents always let me cry myself out before continuing to ask me questions about why I was crying or what was frustrating me. As I grew up, they started to say that I was crying for attention or told me that crying made a juice in me that was bad (lol, it worked on my sibling but I never believed them). I guess they got tired and wanted me to stop making a fuss, which, fair. Talking in that way did make me believe that my crying was for attention, though, so I did minimize my crying (attention is scary).
I saw my dad cry openly when Michael Jackson's death was reported. I saw my mom cry with control once when she tried to communicate her own frustrations with my misbehavior as a kid as she resorted to Tagalog. When I saw other people cry, I thought that they were frustrated, at a loss for words, or grieving in shock like my parents showed me.
Based on these experiences, I do believe that it is healthy to cry alone. Crying helps you mobilize/vent emotions, sudden or pent-up. It's a vulnerable experience where you want to feel safe. I do think it is embarrassing for all to cry with others around because most people don't know your inner world or why you are crying, and comfort doesn't help unless you seek it out (at least, in my experience). You can't really speak when you're crying, so it makes more sense to me to only cry in front of people who are willing to cry with you.
Those solo cries in the middle of the night are something else, right Cheshir? Hayy. Especially if we kinda grow up in a culture where you have to be stoic and put together.
It could be. While immersed in movies or TV series or fiction or comics, our hearts may become softer. As for in reality, a tough heart is more suitable to allow us to cope with real-life dilemmas.
I've used music and movies when I have me-time to help me reaccess all the emotion that's built up. Sometimes it's not even a tearjerker movie but something uplifting that speaks to common humanity or deep love...something to reignite the human spirit.
Hey Shaista, I so relate to this. Crying makes me feel like I'm not in control and that's a scary thing for immigrants who value independence and self-sufficiency.
As a child, I was shamed for getting hurt physically, as children often do. To the point that when I broke my shoulder, my parents were so mad they didn’t take me to the doctor for over 24 hours to get an xray. I was clearly in pain. To this day now, I have a high pain tolerance and rarely cry when physically hurt. I was shamed for crying too. However, emotionally, I cry easily when sentimental, when feelings are hurt and when frustrated. My mother cried easily, and to this day if we look at her wrong it brings on her tears. I’ve since learned this is her manipulation of her children. She is a rabid histrionic person. I think that’s why I hate crying. I don’t want to be like her..ever.
I hate that I cry when I’m angry, and if people try to comfort me during those times, I feel like they’re trying to diminish my anger, which I have a right to feel.
My mother cried and my dad not as much. I never really felt like it wasn’t okay to cry. I cried a lot as a young person, child and often as an adult. But when I’d experience a depression it was very hard to express tears, I was so numb. And there was a part of me that was afraid that if started crying I might never stop. Oy. Being a person is hard work! xoxo
I can definitely relate to the numb sensation - moving from one caregiving rollercoaster to another, there literally was no time to digest or metabolise grief or any feelings.
I seldom saw my parents cry. I think my father hid his sadness or frustrations really well, whereas my mom doesn't seem have access to her tears much at all. I remember seeing her cry maybe once or twice. My theory is that looking unscathed or picking herself up right after an upsetting experience is her default mode... perhaps it was a habit from childhood, a protective mechanism to avoid being seen as weak and then bullied.
I've only seen my dad cry once. My mom cried a lot, and she was also emotionally volatile. I think that contributed to my sense that crying was shameful (in addition to being shamed for my own tears), because I didn't respect her for how out of control she could get when emotions got the better of her.
In the Chinese culture, I think it comes from first of all that crying should not be displayed in order to keep social peace; it has its roots in Confucianism. And since that is the accepted norm, we encounter very little crying except for big events like death, hence we never develop the skills to comfort or how to react to it socially, and so it became awkward.
Oh yes, the 'saving face' aspect too.
A Quick Wiki Ref: 'Evidence of face saving has been seen in a labor strike by Chinese railroad worker in 1867 in the construction of the Transcontinental Railroad, where Chinese workers protested peacefully and negotiated for an outcome in a way that demonstrated face-saving behavior.[41]'
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Face_(sociological_concept)
And can be seen in several cultures
Hey Rachel, thanks for sharing the Confucian roots. This gives a lot more context to why my family is the way it is!
Growing up, I always cried in secret and to this day, very few people have seen me cry without restraint. I can only do it around people I trust will not feel overwhelmed or burdened by my true emotions.
I was taught to not burden others with my problems. I have rarely seen my parents or grandparents cry. Stoicism, resilience and remaining positive in all circumstances is highly valued in my family. Perhaps it comes down to my immigrant background and family history with war, poverty and trauma. The only way to survive was to deny or repress any negativity. Being born in Australia, I was always told that I had heaven on earth, and so even my hardest issues could never compare to what previous generations went through. Hearing this made me feel like I didn’t have the right to ever complain or cry.
In saying this, I am highly empathetic and don’t feel uncomfortable with others crying. I know how to sit with grief and I don’t feel the need to rush the healing process. I think being the eldest daughter of a Chinese family meant functioning as a third parent, and being trained to look out for the needs of others.
It's great that you don't feel uncomfortable with others crying! I initially have that but it's more because I really don't know what I should do in response. But now I know more so it became easier but it's still awkward. It might never go away... this shying away from crying ...
I think it has to do with PRIDE, VULNERABILITY, and not knowing what to do in the presence of others' "nakedness" while crying.
Growing up, I'd feel uncomfortable crying with my mom and sister even if we were watching a tearjerker scene in a romcom. Or a heartwarming family scene in a film like "Seven Sundays". Something about not wanting to admit that something affects you as much as it does? I'm not sure. And it didn't help that we'd tease each other for crying. Funnily enough, my mom is very "iyakin" (a crybaby) when it comes to media consumption, but has the highest pain tolerance in the family.
When our mom would cry because our (late) dad was verbally abusing her/us, we didn't comfort her - we fought with our dad to defend her. Out of all the fights they had, I can't remember rushing to comfort her. It was always to fight back.
Weirdly enough, the times I felt comforted by someone comforting me while crying were with my boyfriend, Paul. Maybe it was because we see each other as equals? (versus parent-child, older sibling-younger sibling) Maybe that's what makes that level of vulnerability and naked display of emotion okay, at least between us two.
Hey Regina, I fully relate to your point about being able to cry with a romantic partner because you see them more as an equal. My husband is the only person who has seen me cry without restraint!
I hear you Regina. There's the personal relationship with crying that we have to figure out and then, in addition the relationship with others, to connect.
Culture and societal status quos can make crying feel risky, like you said—they expose us to potential danger. So finding 'our people'—the ones we choose to feel vulnerable with, build trust with, and be our truest selves—can feel like a gift.
Crying these days is something foreign to me, like a special theoretical emotion that I could use in writing to express a kind of sentiment or intent. I did my fair share of crying as a kid, and my parents always let me cry myself out before continuing to ask me questions about why I was crying or what was frustrating me. As I grew up, they started to say that I was crying for attention or told me that crying made a juice in me that was bad (lol, it worked on my sibling but I never believed them). I guess they got tired and wanted me to stop making a fuss, which, fair. Talking in that way did make me believe that my crying was for attention, though, so I did minimize my crying (attention is scary).
I saw my dad cry openly when Michael Jackson's death was reported. I saw my mom cry with control once when she tried to communicate her own frustrations with my misbehavior as a kid as she resorted to Tagalog. When I saw other people cry, I thought that they were frustrated, at a loss for words, or grieving in shock like my parents showed me.
Based on these experiences, I do believe that it is healthy to cry alone. Crying helps you mobilize/vent emotions, sudden or pent-up. It's a vulnerable experience where you want to feel safe. I do think it is embarrassing for all to cry with others around because most people don't know your inner world or why you are crying, and comfort doesn't help unless you seek it out (at least, in my experience). You can't really speak when you're crying, so it makes more sense to me to only cry in front of people who are willing to cry with you.
Maybe that's why when someone cries, depending on our level of closeness, I can just be with them or get closer or hug them and let them cry.
Those solo cries in the middle of the night are something else, right Cheshir? Hayy. Especially if we kinda grow up in a culture where you have to be stoic and put together.
I rarely shed tears for reality thing, but I'm often touched to tears by fictional storylines.
Do you think because we have developed such resilience for growing up in real life?
It could be. While immersed in movies or TV series or fiction or comics, our hearts may become softer. As for in reality, a tough heart is more suitable to allow us to cope with real-life dilemmas.
Interesting. Yes, in fiction, we can shed our armour and become immersed and emotionally invested in the story.
I sometimes bawl at the movies!
I've used music and movies when I have me-time to help me reaccess all the emotion that's built up. Sometimes it's not even a tearjerker movie but something uplifting that speaks to common humanity or deep love...something to reignite the human spirit.
Same here. It feels nice to cry when writing is really good.
Thank you for giving me so much to think about! This speaks to me as a Nurse who cares for patients who come from many diverse backgrounds. ❤️
An interesting question that we can simply tap into without extra context.
It boils down to control. Immigrants needed / created a controlled environment, and crying was defined as out of control. And then we’d have to hide.
Hey Shaista, I so relate to this. Crying makes me feel like I'm not in control and that's a scary thing for immigrants who value independence and self-sufficiency.
Absolutely scary to not have control, which gives a (false) sense of safety. May we all practice surrendering.
And here I thought it's just cultural... it seems to be universal now....
Rachel, I think it IS cultural! But not just limited to one, but many.
As a child, I was shamed for getting hurt physically, as children often do. To the point that when I broke my shoulder, my parents were so mad they didn’t take me to the doctor for over 24 hours to get an xray. I was clearly in pain. To this day now, I have a high pain tolerance and rarely cry when physically hurt. I was shamed for crying too. However, emotionally, I cry easily when sentimental, when feelings are hurt and when frustrated. My mother cried easily, and to this day if we look at her wrong it brings on her tears. I’ve since learned this is her manipulation of her children. She is a rabid histrionic person. I think that’s why I hate crying. I don’t want to be like her..ever.
I relate to this so much.. Had very similar experiences.
I hate that I cry when I’m angry, and if people try to comfort me during those times, I feel like they’re trying to diminish my anger, which I have a right to feel.
Oh, me too! For a while it seemed like the only times I could cry were when I was angry, and that just frustrated me.
Exactly!
Ohh yes..I've had the dismissive or condescending platitudes because they're uncomfortable with tears, as if patting my back would pat the tears away.
Angry-frustrated tears are something I know well - hence punched flat pillows
Same! It also distracts from the situation at hand, which I hate because then things are left hanging
Have you ever seen your parents cry, or maybe they hid their tears? Can you share your reflections?
I've never seen my dad cried, ever. My mum, she only cried when she watches sad movie, rarely in real life except for big events like death.
My mother cried and my dad not as much. I never really felt like it wasn’t okay to cry. I cried a lot as a young person, child and often as an adult. But when I’d experience a depression it was very hard to express tears, I was so numb. And there was a part of me that was afraid that if started crying I might never stop. Oy. Being a person is hard work! xoxo
I can definitely relate to the numb sensation - moving from one caregiving rollercoaster to another, there literally was no time to digest or metabolise grief or any feelings.
I also have trouble expressing tears during a depression no matter how much I want to.
I seldom saw my parents cry. I think my father hid his sadness or frustrations really well, whereas my mom doesn't seem have access to her tears much at all. I remember seeing her cry maybe once or twice. My theory is that looking unscathed or picking herself up right after an upsetting experience is her default mode... perhaps it was a habit from childhood, a protective mechanism to avoid being seen as weak and then bullied.
I've only seen my dad cry once. My mom cried a lot, and she was also emotionally volatile. I think that contributed to my sense that crying was shameful (in addition to being shamed for my own tears), because I didn't respect her for how out of control she could get when emotions got the better of her.
I was shamed for crying, too.
I saw my mom cry maybe once or twice after arguing with my dad. I don’t believe they were tears of sadness but of frustration.
Tears of frustration are so sad and painful in their own way :( Especially if they're shed around someone who you feel should "get" you.